I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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