so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
FUCK WHALES
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
