Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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