Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
