I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
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