you have to choose: penises or morals?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
