I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
