Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
