I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
