and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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