rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
