the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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