no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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