i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
