What did we do last night that was yellow?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
