...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
