Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
