i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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