why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
