Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
