can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
