my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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