The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
