There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
