Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
