just come out here and I will go home with you...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
