i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
