This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
