I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
