thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
