You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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