You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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