I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
