Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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