I didn't shave. On purpose
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
