The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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