i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He? As in you personified your dick?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
