FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
