It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
