I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
