just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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