so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
