You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
