I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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