Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
