We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
