If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
