Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
