She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
