Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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